does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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