I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
