Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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