so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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