How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
last night I used snow as a chaser
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
