So drunk, too bad you don't want this
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
