Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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