Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
