swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
