Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
