My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
