Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
