not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
