Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(480): View more from Arizona

So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.

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(708): View more from Illinois

i effin hate jeff goldbloom.

(708): View more from Illinois

but i totally would still bang him

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(410): View more from Maryland

In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"

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(925): View more from California

can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave

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(612): View more from Minnesota

she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.

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(310): View more from California

we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck

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(505): View more from New Mexico

whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??

(901): View more from Tennessee

This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said

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