So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
