At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
