so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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