instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
