good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I yelled at your uterus for you.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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