so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
