i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
