my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
