1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
