last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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