I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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