my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I smell like Dick and happiness
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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