I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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