If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize
