I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
