Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
