Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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