69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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