if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
wanna go halves on a baby?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
