Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
