: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
