Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
