If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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