the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
