i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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