hotel room ftw
i jhust puked up my retainher.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
