They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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