i need an iv and a liver transplant
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
