It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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