The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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