I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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