i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
