Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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