All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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