Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Randomize
