nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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